There's a phrase psychologists and counselors often use when talking with people about their emotions.
“If you can name it, you can tame it.”
It sounds simple enough. But I've come to believe there's quite a bit of wisdom in those few words.
I think many of us spend a good portion of our lives reacting to how we feel without ever stopping to ask ourselves why we're feeling that way in the first place.
We get angry. We become anxious. We feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or discouraged.
And sometimes, before we even realize what's happening, those emotions begin influencing how we speak to our spouse, respond to our children, approach our work, or think about ourselves.
But what if we stopped for a moment and became curious about what those feelings might be trying to tell us?
Why Understanding Your Emotions Matters
One thing I wish more people understood is that emotions aren't necessarily problems that need to be fixed.
They're messengers.
Our emotions are part of how our brains and bodies respond to what's happening around us. They can tell us when something feels threatening, when a boundary has been crossed, when we're carrying too much, or when something important needs our attention.
The challenge is that we don't always understand the message.
Sometimes we experience the emotion without recognizing what's underneath it.
And when we don't understand what we're feeling, it's easy to let that emotion take the lead.
That's where self-awareness becomes important.
What's Really Behind Your Anger, Stress, or Anxiety?
Let's say you've been coming home from work frustrated.
You're short with your spouse. You're irritated by little things your children do. You find yourself getting angry over situations that normally wouldn't bother you.
It's easy to conclude, “I have an anger problem.”
But I would encourage you to ask a few more questions.
Are you angry because you feel disrespected at work? Are you overwhelmed by responsibilities that never seem to end? Are you worried about finances? Or are you simply exhausted from trying to meet everyone's expectations?
Maybe the anger is real, but it isn't the whole story.
The same can be true of anxiety.
You might describe yourself as an anxious person, but what are you actually anxious about?
Is it uncertainty about the future? Fear of disappointing someone? The pressure to succeed? Or perhaps an experience from your past that continues to influence how you respond to certain situations?
When we begin identifying what's beneath an emotion, we give ourselves something more specific to understand and address.
Instead of simply trying to stop being angry, we can begin looking at the circumstances contributing to that anger.
Instead of fighting anxiety, we can explore what might be making us feel unsafe or uncertain.
That's what is meant by, “If we can name it, we can tame it.”
Emotional Regulation Begins With Self-Awareness
I don't believe the goal should be to stop feeling difficult emotions.
Anger, sadness, fear, and frustration are all part of being human.
And sometimes those emotions are entirely appropriate for what we're experiencing.
The goal is to become more aware of them so they don't automatically determine what we do next.
There's a difference between feeling angry and responding in anger.
There's a difference between experiencing anxiety and allowing that anxiety to make decisions for us.
When we recognize what we're feeling, we create a little space between the emotion and our response.
And in that space, we have an opportunity to make a different choice.
We might realize we need to have an honest conversation, establish a boundary, ask for help, or simply acknowledge that we've been carrying more than we can reasonably manage.
Naming an emotion doesn't necessarily make it disappear. But it can help us begin responding to it with greater understanding.
Sometimes Our Emotional Triggers Have a History
Another important part of this conversation is recognizing that our emotions aren't always responding to what's happening in the present moment.
Sometimes they're connected to experiences we've carried with us for years.
A seemingly small disagreement might bring up feelings of rejection. A difficult conversation with a supervisor might trigger an old fear of failure. A child's behavior might stir up frustration connected to how we experienced discipline growing up.
Our brains and bodies remember experiences, and those experiences can influence our responses in ways we don't always recognize.
This is one reason I take a holistic approach to counseling, listening for patterns from a bio-psycho-social-spiritual perspective.
I want to understand the whole person. Not just the emotion someone is experiencing today, but the experiences, relationships, beliefs, and patterns that may be contributing to it.
Because sometimes understanding where a response comes from is an important part of learning how to respond differently.
We also need to keep in mind several concepts: 1.) Albert Bandura (1972) posits that 90% of our social learning is based on what was modeled to us; 2.) Bessel van der Kolk (2017) tells us that trauma rewires our brains, causing people who have experienced trauma to be hypervigilant to threats and affecting how they interact with people and the world around them; and 3.) the ability to feel joy, find happiness, be empathetic, validate self and others, feel purpose and identity, and have healthy relationships lead to strong positive mental health.
Learning to Respond Instead of React
The next time you find yourself feeling angry, anxious, overwhelmed, or discouraged, I'd encourage you to pause and ask yourself a few questions.
• What am I actually feeling right now?
• What happened just before I started feeling this way?
• Is there something beneath this emotion that I haven't acknowledged?
• What might this feeling be trying to tell me?
• What would a thoughtful response look like instead of an immediate reaction?
• Is there a family of origin, society of origin, religion of origin, etc. issue?
You may not have the answers right away.
That's okay.
Self-awareness is something we develop over time. And sometimes it helps to have another person ask questions we haven't thought to ask ourselves.
That's part of what we can explore together in counseling.
We can begin identifying emotional triggers, understanding familiar patterns, and developing healthier ways to respond to life's challenges.
I often remind people that we can't always control what we feel, but we can become more intentional about what we do with those feelings.
And I think that's an important distinction.
Because once we begin understanding what our emotions are telling us, we no longer have to be quite so controlled by them.
We can listen, learn, and decide what comes next.
If we can name it, we can tame it.
If you've been struggling with anger, anxiety, stress, or emotions you don't quite understand, I invite you to schedule a complimentary conversation with me at Clarity Integrated Wellness (https://www.clarityiw.com).